1 00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:32,619 Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:32,619 --> 00:00:36,100 a tightly stuffed programme tonight, we go over to the House of Commons, where 3 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:39,060 the series of theft is still going on. We shall be talking to the Minister 4 00:00:39,060 --> 00:00:42,160 without portfolio, the Minister without cycle clips, and the Minister without 5 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:43,160 trousers. 6 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:49,100 Then we offer our advice to the police in Battersea, who are searching for a 7 00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:50,680 tall man with a hearing aid. 8 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,560 Why not use bloodhounds? 9 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:02,360 Then we discuss the crisis in Africa and ask the question, will General Armin 10 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,380 cut off our coconuts? 11 00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:13,300 And in our series, Hints on London Transport, Raquel Welsh will be telling 12 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:14,760 where the 48 bus stops. 13 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:18,360 Somewhere out here, I think. 14 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,980 But we would like to apologise for yesterday's announcement concerning a 15 00:01:22,980 --> 00:01:25,240 prisoner who escaped from a South African jail. 16 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,380 We should have said he was a trusty prisoner who escaped in the rand, not a 17 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:33,240 randy prisoner who escaped in a truss. 18 00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:42,020 And we've just been handed an urgent warning about Tomlinson's tinned treacle 19 00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:46,100 sponge, which has caused several people to be sent to hospital with badly 20 00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:47,100 scalded feet. 21 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,160 It seems... 22 00:01:50,670 --> 00:01:54,930 It seems people have misunderstood the instructions which read, before opening 23 00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:57,730 the tin, stand in boiling water for 20 minutes. 24 00:02:02,070 --> 00:02:06,570 But on a happier note, here is the wonderful weather forecast for tomorrow. 25 00:02:06,570 --> 00:02:08,050 going to be 70 degrees everywhere. 26 00:02:08,449 --> 00:02:10,889 20 in the morning, 30 at midday and 20 in the evening. 27 00:02:12,170 --> 00:02:14,710 And I've got another urgent message. 28 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,300 Seems to be my night for urgent messages. Another urgent message. This 29 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,520 for three honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles. 30 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,040 Breakfast was served three days ago. 31 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,620 And now a sketch that features Ronnie Corbett, who has been described as 32 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,520 something between Edward Heath and Shirley Temple. 33 00:02:35,740 --> 00:02:38,560 And I bet you didn't even know there was something between Edward Heath and 34 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,560 Shirley Temple. 35 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,360 Jolly attractive little place, isn't it? 36 00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:44,660 Yes, absolutely. 37 00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:50,990 Lovely, I know. It's the only absolutely pure Goloshnik restaurant here in 38 00:02:50,990 --> 00:02:51,990 London. Oh, really? 39 00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:55,230 Yes, yes. As I tell you, I have stumbled across it. 40 00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,870 Last year, I had about four weeks off. 41 00:02:59,390 --> 00:03:04,850 I thought, why not just bomb over the channel with the old gents over the 42 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:05,890 you know? 43 00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:10,110 Follow one's nose and avoid the usual boring old places. 44 00:03:10,350 --> 00:03:11,370 Uh -huh, uh -huh. 45 00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:14,720 Some are... and Tashkent and so on. 46 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:20,640 And I found myself in this rather groovy place called Goloshnia. 47 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,280 And it's awfully nice because the people are so nice. 48 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,020 Leave 49 00:03:28,020 --> 00:03:35,280 this 50 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,280 to me. 51 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:38,280 Hello. Good. 52 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,840 Good? Good, good. 53 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,080 Jolly good. 54 00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:45,420 Now, what are you going to have? 55 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:50,560 Ah, now, I remember I had this. Now, in a little bistro on the Bloss Mountains, 56 00:03:50,620 --> 00:03:52,660 and it was absolutely delicious. 57 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,300 Oh, well, yes. Yes, we'll try that, then. Then we'll have that, if we might, 58 00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,300 start with. It's good. 59 00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:03,880 And... Well, that's one way of looking at it, I suppose. 60 00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:08,840 Oh, here we are. Now, I'll just ask about this. I can't really quite recall 61 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,820 The Oosh Belockie. 62 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,100 Oh, Oosh Belockie. 63 00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:37,880 Remember now, thank you very much. It's awfully sweet, isn't it? Yes, it is in 64 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,320 fact some Oosh. 65 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,220 with a spot of bolocki. 66 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,460 Well, yes, I'll have that, then. 67 00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:48,660 We'll have two ushbolockis, if we might. No, no, well, one ushbolocki. 68 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,800 And a note of ushbolocki. 69 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:53,920 Thank you. 70 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:55,520 Ushbolocki, two. 71 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,440 Two ushbolockis, two ushbolockis. 72 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:01,340 Ushbolocki. 73 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:03,840 Is it following? 74 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,600 Yes, we will be following. 75 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:12,980 Ah, for me, it's just... Got to be the Cramlock. Ah, Cramlock is custom, ma 76 00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:21,180 They always kiss the girls when you order Cramlock. Cramlock again, 77 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,020 Oh, please. 78 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:26,600 Thank you. 79 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,080 I'll, uh, I'll actually have the poof gear. 80 00:05:57,159 --> 00:05:58,159 You eat? 81 00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:00,880 Yes, I eat. Yes, I eat indeed. 82 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,140 But I have no implements. 83 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,820 It's delicious, isn't it? 84 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:22,500 Yes, I like, I like, I like. Yes, awfully. I would actually like to go to 85 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:23,640 gents. Gents? 86 00:06:23,980 --> 00:06:25,500 Toop gents? Toop gents? No, no. 87 00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,820 No, no, I don't want to eat the gents. 88 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,180 I want to go to the smallest room. 89 00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:36,420 Smallest room. Toop smallest room. Toop smallest room. Oh, now you've gone and 90 00:06:36,420 --> 00:06:39,500 ordered something called a smallest room. Luckily, I didn't order the 91 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,500 room. 92 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,280 Biggest room. Toop biggest room. Toop biggest room. 93 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,500 No. I don't really think I want to eat here after all. 94 00:06:46,890 --> 00:06:50,110 Well, I mean, didn't it? So frightfully grotty, isn't it? 95 00:06:50,490 --> 00:06:51,490 Frightfully grotty? 96 00:06:51,810 --> 00:06:52,810 You're a two -cap. 97 00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:55,450 Two -cap, two -cap. No, no, no. 98 00:06:56,630 --> 00:07:00,750 No, no, not two -cap. Well, she is two -cap, but not all that much. No, we want 99 00:07:00,750 --> 00:07:03,090 to eat... Gertz. No, not Gertz. 100 00:07:03,350 --> 00:07:06,350 No, we don't want Gertz. We want to eat elsewhere. 101 00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:07,710 Elsewhere. Dope elsewhere. 102 00:07:08,530 --> 00:07:12,630 I really can't stay here any longer. The smell is disgusting. 103 00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:15,310 Disgusting? Disgusting? 104 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:16,920 It's a load of guttings. 105 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,700 Could we have the bill, please? The bill, the bill. Took the bill. 106 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:24,640 Took the bill. 107 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,120 But they changed ownership. 108 00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,720 Never like this before. Used to be a rather simple family. The father did all 109 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,920 the cooking, the daughters waited on you. Seems to have gone all commercial. 110 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:33,920 don't understand. 111 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:35,760 Oh, this is... 112 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:38,160 This is beautiful. 113 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,840 This is the local musical instrument here. Yes, please, thank you, por favor. 114 00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:49,180 I thought 115 00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:55,940 you said you knew all about Goloshnia. Well, these 116 00:07:55,940 --> 00:08:00,640 people, my dear, obviously don't come from the same part. I was north of the 117 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,660 during my stay. 118 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,200 These people, obviously, come from south of the Yob. 119 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,080 What do you mean? The southern yachts. That's what I mean. 120 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:13,100 Now... Now, what is... What is all this? 121 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:15,760 Top jets. 122 00:08:16,220 --> 00:08:19,100 Top smallest room. Top biggest room. 123 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:20,560 Top cup. 124 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,600 Top jets. 125 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,000 Disgusting. 126 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:48,330 I'm not staying here any longer. 127 00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:52,350 Well, obviously, my dear, they don't speak a word of English. They just slip 128 00:08:52,350 --> 00:08:54,470 without paying. You slip out without paying? 129 00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:57,730 Or alternatively, with paying. 130 00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,410 £17 .50. 131 00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:01,950 £17 .50? It's disgusting. 132 00:09:02,290 --> 00:09:05,770 Absolutely monstrous. They're monstrous here, it's £18 .50. 133 00:09:06,290 --> 00:09:07,690 Wait till I tell you, too. 134 00:09:08,850 --> 00:09:11,830 There we are. Would you mind just... Well, you won't mind. Keep the change if 135 00:09:11,830 --> 00:09:15,210 you want. Take it from us. I've got a wonderful idea. Why don't we go to that 136 00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:18,090 rather charming little canooglic restaurant, how can? 137 00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:21,230 Oh, look, why don't we just go to a Chinese restaurant across the road? 138 00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:24,050 Chinese? I wouldn't go into one of these places, my dear. 139 00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:25,530 You never know what you're eating. 140 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:26,790 I'll come this way. 141 00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:36,290 Well, I don't know where he is, Harry. He should have been here about... 142 00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:42,280 The car wouldn't start. Are we on? No, there's a breakdown in transmission. 143 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:43,620 Oh, thank God for that. What's happened? 144 00:09:43,860 --> 00:09:44,860 Will you talk to Harry, quick? 145 00:09:45,140 --> 00:09:48,200 What's all the panic about? The football match is recorded, isn't it? Yes, but 146 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,680 you're not, are you? You've got to do the commentary live, haven't you? Well, 147 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:54,300 I've done the commentary live before. What's all the fuss? Will you just talk 148 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:55,720 Harry? You're wasting time. All right, all right. 149 00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,060 What's the matter, Harry? 150 00:09:57,300 --> 00:10:00,650 Listen, listen. Listen, Ken, we're absolutely up the creek. I've dropped a 151 00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:04,730 shelf of film and George ran over them with a trolley. I'm in a terrible state 152 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:05,409 up here. 153 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:07,910 You dropped the lot? What, you mean including the football match? Including 154 00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:11,030 football match, yes. You'll just have to start the commentary and I'll try and 155 00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:14,330 patch the film together as we go, you know. Come on, quickly, you're two 156 00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:15,330 late now. 157 00:10:15,630 --> 00:10:18,450 All right, then. All right, then. Well, run it, run it. Go on, then, run it. 158 00:10:18,930 --> 00:10:19,930 Oh, dear. 159 00:10:25,170 --> 00:10:26,930 And after that slight delay... 160 00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:29,630 It's good evening from White Hart Lane for the inter -cup match between 161 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,350 Tottenham Hotspur and Wolverhampton Wanderers. 162 00:10:31,570 --> 00:10:34,530 Ball's already in play just outside the halfway line. Spurs in possession there. 163 00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,590 Naylor puts a long one out to Chivers on the left. 164 00:10:36,930 --> 00:10:40,170 He's going on his own now. He's got a chance here. He's got one defender. And 165 00:10:40,170 --> 00:10:41,009 he's going to shoot. 166 00:10:41,010 --> 00:10:47,690 And he shoots. And it's fielded quite easily by Westbury on the boundary. 167 00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:52,910 And here we come. Here comes Lilley just coming up to bowl now. That long, easy 168 00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:55,190 stride. And he bowls. It's a good length ball. Oh, it's... 169 00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,030 And it's on the green. 170 00:10:59,270 --> 00:11:02,190 And the Gary player may easily pick up a birdie three here. 171 00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:06,110 Now, it's Jack in the putt. Now, he's taking his time here. It's a longish one 172 00:11:06,110 --> 00:11:08,250 now. And, oh, it looks very good, yes. 173 00:11:08,810 --> 00:11:12,010 It's a very long ball, as you can see. But it looks good. It looks good. It 174 00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:13,010 looks very good. 175 00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:16,530 Oh, yes, and it's in. It's in. Not made it tremendously for the ball, but it 176 00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:19,570 just slid past the crossbar. And the crowds are going mad. The toilet rolls 177 00:11:19,570 --> 00:11:24,150 hurtling down now. And the crowd is absolutely, absolutely, absolutely 178 00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,230 As the British girl dawned it. 179 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,600 She prepares to execute this very tricky backward two -and -a -half somersault 180 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,480 into the pool. And here she goes now. 181 00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:35,980 Oh, and the legs around the neck. It's a beautiful cross buttock. Oh, now it's a 182 00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:36,799 forearm smash. 183 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,920 Oh, and they're loving this. The crowd are loving this. They really are. And 184 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,780 he's going for him again. He's picking him up here. And here comes a terrible 185 00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:48,620 right arm. That dreadful... That wonderful... That wonderful left arm 186 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:52,260 waving acknowledgement to this vast crowd attending a conference. And he's 187 00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:55,640 on his back. Oh, he's flat on his back. And he's arguing now. He's having an... 188 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:56,680 He's arguing, Mr. Wilkins. 189 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,660 The meat of the opposition, who is still in the fight. And both men are really 190 00:12:00,660 --> 00:12:03,100 going for each other now. They're really punishing each other. He's got him on 191 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,820 the ropes. He's going to throw him. Oh, and he's landed very heavily there. And 192 00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:07,360 his ball is now over the centre pocket. 193 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,620 It's a dangerous position here. 194 00:12:10,780 --> 00:12:15,940 You can see the concentration there on his face as he goes for the red. And the 195 00:12:15,940 --> 00:12:19,480 cue ball is travelling up the table now, where Billie Jean King serves it. 196 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:25,560 It's two games all, second set, having won the first at 6 -3. 197 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,540 A wonderful, wonderful little woman, this Mithrid King. 198 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,680 Mithrid King, formerly known, of course, as the Queen. 199 00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:42,020 Here we see her wearing those twilly -laced panties we've all become 200 00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:45,680 so familiar with. And they're off! They're off! Oh, and the farmer boy has 201 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,920 into the lead. The number nine jacket's falling in behind them, Jackson III. 202 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,100 Yellow Sands is there and coming fast on the inside. He's number 40. No, he's 203 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:52,100 number 70. 204 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,320 Jack and Doris Watts. 205 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:56,580 Doris is dressed as a brilliant cerise with silver lamé on the bodice. Always a 206 00:12:56,580 --> 00:12:59,840 joy to watch. Just going by at the back there is Myra Higgs. Myra was trained by 207 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:03,500 the great Peggy Spencer and ridden by Lester Peake. 208 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:09,060 Well, I'm afraid it's time to leave now the White City this afternoon, and it 209 00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:13,460 looks as if Oxford will just manage to... Pip Cambridge and Billie Jean King 210 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,900 will go forward to meet the hoodie strangler in the flyweight contest on 211 00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:20,240 Saturday. So this is Harold Wilson saying ta -ta and keep your nose clean. 212 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,240 night. 213 00:15:49,329 --> 00:15:50,329 Me? 214 00:15:57,070 --> 00:16:00,170 You sent for me, sir, your tea. Is it your tea you wanted? No, no, no, no, no, 215 00:16:00,170 --> 00:16:02,890 no. Not the tea today. Not the tea today, Lynette. No, something quite 216 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:06,630 I want to talk to you about. Now, listen to me. Lynette, you have been serving 217 00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:11,070 the tea here for years and years and years and years, haven't you? Yes. Now, 218 00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:13,030 am head of the secret service. 219 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,950 I know that, sir. Who you know? 220 00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:16,590 Yes, well, it's on your front door. Ah. 221 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:21,740 Comes the word, say nothing. Now, I want you to do me a bit of a favour. 222 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,500 What's that, sir? I want you to burn down the Kremlin for me. 223 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,780 In Moscow, sir? Unless you know of one nearer, yes. 224 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,220 Haven't you any spies, sir? Spies? 225 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,740 Well, how can I answer that? No, that's how I can answer that. No, we have no 226 00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:41,860 spies. We used to have some spies, but they all seem a tiny bit dead, so of the 227 00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:44,860 one man available, I have chosen you. 228 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,140 Yes. Now, I'm going to put you through a very intensive course of training, 229 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:50,520 because I want you to leave for Moscow very, very shortly. 230 00:16:50,780 --> 00:16:51,880 In about six minutes. 231 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,140 What do we need for setting fire to a Kremlin, would you say? Well, we need 232 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,400 paraffin, you see, and we need some matches, don't we? 233 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,180 Matches. Oh, damn me, or you'll take my matches again. 234 00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:03,680 Well, I suppose you can buy some matches, can't you? I've got some 235 00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:05,720 You've got some? Oh, well done. Good show. 236 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,800 I've chosen the right chap. What? 237 00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:10,839 A chap with matches. Right. 238 00:17:11,819 --> 00:17:14,240 Goodbye, and have a good trip. Goodbye. 239 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:16,720 Oh, sorry. 240 00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,280 How do I get to them? 241 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:22,800 Ah, he's got his wits about him. I entirely forgot. I'm awfully sorry. What 242 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:26,800 we're going to do is to drop you out of an aeroplane into Moscow. 243 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:31,700 You see? Now, Moscow is on the sea, so... No, no, no, it isn't. Oh, it isn't 244 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,580 the sea? No, it isn't on the sea. Oh, dear. Well, we'd better have a look at a 245 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:35,239 map, then. 246 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,560 Come over here. Come on, Lynette, you're in this. Come on, over here. 247 00:17:37,940 --> 00:17:39,800 That's the idea. It's a two -shot guy. That's right, now. 248 00:17:41,370 --> 00:17:45,310 Now, I'm sorry about this map being so old, but anyway, we start all over 249 00:17:45,970 --> 00:17:49,950 You see? Now, we leave Londinium there, and we fly across Gord. 250 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:57,900 Just to the north of the Holy Roman Empire, you see, we drop you in it, you 251 00:17:58,540 --> 00:18:02,660 We drop you in St. Petersburg, which, of course, we now call Moscow, you see. 252 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,880 Now, it is on the sea, do you see that? 253 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,220 No, no, no, that's Leningrad. Now, don't bring politics into this, did it? 254 00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:10,840 You clear off, and off you go, and the best of luck, and none of your lip. 255 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,180 Right. Right? 256 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,220 Oh, sir, is that my passport? 257 00:18:14,540 --> 00:18:15,860 Passport, yes, that's in the file. 258 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,080 Passport will be in the file. 259 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,260 File. F for file. 260 00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:25,070 F. No, there's nothing in F. No. No, no. P. Look under P. P. What for? P for 261 00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:26,190 passport. P for passport. 262 00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:27,390 Good thinking. 263 00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:29,910 There's a rabbit in there. What's that doing? 264 00:18:30,950 --> 00:18:34,070 That shouldn't be under P. No, that's not. Wait a minute. Here we are. 265 00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:36,190 Passport. Look at that. Over here with the passport. 266 00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:38,230 Let's see. Now the passport. 267 00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:39,430 Name upon it. 268 00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:40,470 Dimitri Stepanopoulos. 269 00:18:40,850 --> 00:18:43,530 That's a Greek passport. Oh, God, so it is. Yes, that's no good, is it? 270 00:18:44,530 --> 00:18:46,810 Russian. Russian passport. There we are. 271 00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,790 I say, the picture isn't really like you, is it? It's not awfully like you, 272 00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:51,070 that, is it? No. Just a minute. 273 00:18:51,690 --> 00:18:52,690 Ah, 274 00:18:53,390 --> 00:18:54,410 yes, that's better. 275 00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:59,530 There you are. 276 00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:03,270 Oh, yes, that's much more like you. Screw your face up a bit, that's it. Can 277 00:19:03,270 --> 00:19:04,450 see through those pants now, all right? 278 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:05,710 That's the idea, right. 279 00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:08,410 Now, the next is unarmed combat, all right? 280 00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:09,950 Unarmed combat. 281 00:19:11,430 --> 00:19:13,810 Miss Laverne, please, unarmed combat, would you? 282 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:23,760 Yes, let's have you. 283 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,140 Right through the arm. Go on. 284 00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:26,820 Oh! 285 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:36,000 How was that, sir? 286 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,180 Absolutely marvellous. He seems completely dead to me. 287 00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,980 Now, Nick, you will need some equipment. 288 00:19:42,340 --> 00:19:43,340 Equipment, now. 289 00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:45,220 What is that? Do you know what that is? 290 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:46,840 Yes, that's a watch. Good. 291 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,040 Do you know how to use it? 292 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:49,360 Yes, you do, right? 293 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:53,650 Do you know what that is? 294 00:19:54,210 --> 00:19:55,690 That's the watch again. Very good. 295 00:19:55,950 --> 00:19:59,010 Now, I'm going to give you this watch. What do you say? Thank you. That's it. 296 00:20:01,510 --> 00:20:03,330 Here is a pen that writes under curry. 297 00:20:05,810 --> 00:20:07,670 Here's a plate of curry to write under. 298 00:20:08,690 --> 00:20:11,050 You'd better take that as well. What's that for, sir? Luck. 299 00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:14,750 Oh, by the way, you'd better take a palafino. Don't forget that. 300 00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:19,810 Oh, by the way, what happens if I get killed? Oh, don't worry. Mrs. Simpkins 301 00:20:19,810 --> 00:20:20,609 make the tea. 302 00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:21,610 Thank you. 303 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,470 Our guest for this evening, Clodagh Rogers. 304 00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:41,930 I 305 00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:51,630 used 306 00:20:51,630 --> 00:20:54,170 to think that when you fell in love... 307 00:20:56,460 --> 00:21:01,020 never change but it's different now 308 00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:07,300 and to those who've never been in love 309 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:13,840 this may seem very strange but it's so different 310 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:18,320 now I used to 311 00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:27,920 Never fade away. 312 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,820 But it's different now. 313 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,020 It changes every day. 314 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:46,600 I used to look at you and tell myself. 315 00:21:47,060 --> 00:21:48,380 I wonder. 316 00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:58,940 But to me, you're much more wonderful. 317 00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:01,980 Wonderful by far. 318 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,900 Yes, you're so different now. 319 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,600 There's more to love. 320 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:35,820 And the downs we've had, but it's different now. 321 00:22:36,540 --> 00:22:40,640 And I'm so glad I still... 322 00:23:16,430 --> 00:23:22,950 you look at me and we're so different now 323 00:23:22,950 --> 00:23:28,030 love gets better every day 324 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,280 The difference. 325 00:25:41,390 --> 00:25:45,370 you'd never believe it to look at that lovely young lady that she is actually 326 00:25:45,370 --> 00:25:49,410 one of the survivors from the Duke of Clarence Darts Club annual outing. 327 00:25:50,990 --> 00:25:54,850 Now apparently they went to one of those on one of those ridiculous cheap 328 00:25:54,850 --> 00:26:00,350 cruises you know the sort of thing bring sandwiches to Bermuda or row with us to 329 00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:04,370 the Greek islands round the world and back for a fiver. 330 00:26:04,970 --> 00:26:09,070 And believe you me you have to be very careful with these cheap cruises. 331 00:26:09,270 --> 00:26:13,130 There was a case recently of a chap who signed up for a cruise in the Queen 332 00:26:13,130 --> 00:26:17,550 Mary, and they put him in the annex, which was six weeks on a dredger off 333 00:26:17,550 --> 00:26:18,550 Lodestop. 334 00:26:20,010 --> 00:26:25,730 Now, you may find that hard to believe, but as my old grandmother always used to 335 00:26:25,730 --> 00:26:27,730 say, stranger things happen at sea. 336 00:26:28,810 --> 00:26:30,010 That's what she always said. 337 00:26:30,770 --> 00:26:32,210 Stranger things happen at sea. 338 00:26:32,510 --> 00:26:34,490 As a matter of fact, she never said anything else. 339 00:26:36,590 --> 00:26:40,370 We took her to the doctor about it, and he said, I think her needle's stuck. 340 00:26:41,139 --> 00:26:43,120 And he gave her a whack with an ashtray. 341 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:47,220 Which had no effect at all, except that she gave up smoking. 342 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:52,320 And actually, that little anecdote has a rather interesting sequel. 343 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:54,440 Which is just as well, really. 344 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,400 Because on its own, it's hardly worth telling. 345 00:27:01,820 --> 00:27:07,740 And the sequel is that years later, my Uncle Spyro was lost at sea. 346 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:11,440 was lost at sea under very unusual circumstances. 347 00:27:11,860 --> 00:27:15,840 He went up the mast to look for land, and when he came down, the ship had 348 00:27:19,780 --> 00:27:26,380 Now, I expect quite a number of you are surprised to notice that I have this 349 00:27:26,380 --> 00:27:31,800 remarkable familiarity with such seafaring expressions as mast, 350 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:37,040 and ship, and wave. 351 00:27:41,290 --> 00:27:45,790 But as anyone will know who has been following the sensational serialization 352 00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:51,050 my life story in the Tristan da Cunha Express, I did 353 00:27:51,050 --> 00:27:57,770 actually start in show business as a ship's entertainer on one of the first 354 00:27:57,770 --> 00:27:59,150 economy cruise ships. 355 00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:03,850 And when you talk about economy cruises, believe me, you couldn't get any 356 00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:06,310 cheaper than the old Shepherd's Bush Castle. 357 00:28:07,390 --> 00:28:10,570 Just think of it. London, Tilbury, Gravesend. 358 00:28:10,940 --> 00:28:13,560 and three days in Tibet for a book of Green Shield stamps. 359 00:28:15,380 --> 00:28:21,760 Now, most comedians, which is what I am, I say that in case there are any 360 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:25,680 foreign visitors looking in, they might think I'm a glove puppet. 361 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:35,880 Now, most comedians, when they talk about cheap cruises, say ridiculous 362 00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:39,620 like, we went in for the ship's raffle and we won a seat in a lifeboat. 363 00:28:39,980 --> 00:28:40,980 But I can't say that. 364 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,640 I can't say that because, well, apart from the fact that I can't say it, we 365 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,140 never had any lifeboats. 366 00:28:46,540 --> 00:28:47,399 No, it's true. 367 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,360 I mean, in rough weather, you couldn't book a seat on a piece of driftwood. 368 00:28:52,060 --> 00:28:55,840 And in cases of emergency, we all used to assemble on deck and sing Abide With 369 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:56,840 Me. 370 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,240 And those in peril on the deep. 371 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:04,680 While the captain, you could tell he was a real old sea dog, used to put his leg 372 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:05,680 up anywhere. 373 00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:11,710 tell jokes through the loud hailer. 374 00:29:12,730 --> 00:29:18,110 And if I may be confidential for a moment, that's what I like about this 375 00:29:18,130 --> 00:29:21,950 really. You can say anything here in the studio, knowing it won't go any 376 00:29:21,950 --> 00:29:22,950 further. 377 00:29:24,870 --> 00:29:27,090 Good God, success isn't everything, is it? 378 00:29:28,230 --> 00:29:29,370 Where was I? Oh, yes. 379 00:29:29,830 --> 00:29:34,790 He did confide in me, the captain was, that it was actually his ship, not an 380 00:29:34,790 --> 00:29:36,450 iceberg, that sank the Titanic. 381 00:29:37,719 --> 00:29:41,260 But he never said anything at the time because he didn't want to lose his no 382 00:29:41,260 --> 00:29:42,260 -claims bonus. 383 00:29:43,780 --> 00:29:46,400 By the way, an interesting thing happened on the cruise. 384 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,980 In the evening, to while away the time, we all used to play parlour games. 385 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:55,840 Incidentally, by the way, if any of you at home have heard this story, you know, 386 00:29:55,860 --> 00:29:59,200 before, and you'd like to join in while I tell it, by all means, that'll be 387 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,500 wonderful. We'll call it Joke Along Wrong. 388 00:30:02,860 --> 00:30:06,420 In the evening, to wire away the time, we always used to play parlour games. We 389 00:30:06,420 --> 00:30:09,120 always used to write out a subject on a little bit of paper, you see, put the 390 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:13,040 paper in the hat, pass the hat round, and we each picked out a subject, and we 391 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,540 had to talk about it, you see, for five minutes, and the best speech won. 392 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,900 Now, on this cruise, there was a little fellow, a little henpecked solo man, 393 00:30:20,220 --> 00:30:21,940 horn -rimmed spectacles, bowler hat. 394 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:23,920 A bit like me, really. 395 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,320 A bit of a flower grader. 396 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:35,120 This particular night, his wife was a little bit tired, so she went to bed 397 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,580 and allowed him to stay down and play the game. You see, well, the hat was 398 00:30:37,580 --> 00:30:40,900 passed around, he puts his hand in, picks out his subject, and he's got to 399 00:30:40,900 --> 00:30:43,860 for five minutes on the subject of sex and the birds and the bees. 400 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:48,760 Does a wonderful job of speech, wins the prize, and after the game's over, goes 401 00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:51,980 back to the cabin. You see, and his wife's in there, still awake, reading 402 00:30:51,980 --> 00:30:52,980 Woman's Own. 403 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:54,880 She's got her curlers in and her teeth out. 404 00:30:56,210 --> 00:30:58,610 She said, how did you get on? He said, fine, fine. She said, what did you speak 405 00:30:58,610 --> 00:31:00,750 about? He said, pardon? She said, you heard me the first time. What did you 406 00:31:00,750 --> 00:31:01,729 speak about? 407 00:31:01,730 --> 00:31:04,190 He said, I spoke about yachting and sailing. 408 00:31:05,250 --> 00:31:07,510 Yachting and sailing. She said, yes, he said yachting and sailing. 409 00:31:07,890 --> 00:31:11,270 Closed his eyes and went to sleep. He said, well, the next day his wife was 410 00:31:11,270 --> 00:31:14,470 walking along the deck and she bumps into one of the other passengers, a 411 00:31:14,470 --> 00:31:17,390 of hers. She said, oh, this friend said, you missed yourself last night. You 412 00:31:17,390 --> 00:31:19,650 should have come to the game. What a game we had, she said. 413 00:31:19,910 --> 00:31:21,930 What a speech your husband made, she said. 414 00:31:22,150 --> 00:31:24,310 By Jove, he certainly seems to know his subject. 415 00:31:24,810 --> 00:31:26,090 Well, I can't think why. 416 00:31:26,410 --> 00:31:27,470 He's only done it twice. 417 00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,590 She said the first time he was sick and the second time his hat blew off. 418 00:31:44,890 --> 00:31:51,530 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Short and Fat Minstrel 419 00:31:51,530 --> 00:31:52,530 Show! 420 00:32:42,010 --> 00:32:48,190 We're short and fat, but don't stop us singing all the songs we're bringing to 421 00:32:48,190 --> 00:32:49,190 you. 422 00:32:55,690 --> 00:33:01,470 Upon the Swanee River I met Kate McGuire 423 00:33:01,470 --> 00:33:08,150 Two onions and a pound of liver That's how 424 00:33:08,150 --> 00:33:14,910 she won my desire She knew just how to cook my 425 00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:20,910 dinner Oh, hush my mouth No 426 00:33:20,910 --> 00:33:23,470 chance of ever getting 427 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:28,140 Down in the deep fried south. 428 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:34,480 All the steaks were rich and fatty. 429 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,440 All the beans were tin. 430 00:33:39,940 --> 00:33:44,020 That's why my heart is burning ever. 431 00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:48,380 That's why I'm gone with the wind. 432 00:33:58,860 --> 00:33:59,980 What did I see? 433 00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:07,460 Standing on the seafront at Froome A girl with 434 00:34:07,460 --> 00:34:14,340 a bust that measured 53 Looked like St. Peter's in 435 00:34:14,340 --> 00:34:20,820 Rome Her name was Harriet 436 00:34:20,820 --> 00:34:23,500 A stripper at... 437 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,660 date had let her down. She got so tired of waiting around. 438 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:06,620 She said, if I ain't in bed by ten, I'm going back home again. 439 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:11,340 Give me that corn and I don't care. Give me that corn and I don't care. It ain't 440 00:35:11,340 --> 00:35:14,240 no worse than you hear elsewhere. That's about all you can say. 441 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:22,560 A man and a bank floor lady stopped and tucked some cash in her stocking top. 442 00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,840 He said, my, my, what a large amount. 443 00:35:26,540 --> 00:35:28,820 I'd like To open a joint, a gap. 444 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:01,480 Oh, Mr. Corbett. 445 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:03,220 Yes, Mr. Barker. 446 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,240 Have you heard that there's a rumor going around? 447 00:36:07,140 --> 00:36:11,300 You've not had a pint of beer since that dreadful day last year when you fell 448 00:36:11,300 --> 00:36:13,000 into your glass and nearly drowned. 449 00:36:13,580 --> 00:36:15,860 Oh, Mr. Barker. Oh, Mr. 450 00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:17,100 Corbett. 451 00:36:17,220 --> 00:36:21,220 I'll admit I'm not exactly six foot three. You look pretty good to me. But 452 00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:25,140 better known than you. I'll be in the next who's who. As an actor, Mr. 453 00:36:25,340 --> 00:36:27,200 Corbett? As the bookmark, Mr. B. 454 00:36:43,340 --> 00:36:49,200 Oh, Raquel Welch, I love your left doodah, doodah. I sit and think of 455 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,600 left doodah all the day. Is it bigger than the right? 456 00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:58,220 It's very hard to say. But that's the one that'll get my vote on National 457 00:36:58,220 --> 00:36:59,220 Day. 458 00:37:23,370 --> 00:37:26,710 Who's horrible, deplorable, that's Annabelle Lee. 459 00:37:27,830 --> 00:37:31,430 Unbettable, drop -deadable, that's Annabelle Lee. 460 00:37:31,930 --> 00:37:35,270 Does she look like a film star? Oh, yes, she does. 461 00:37:35,950 --> 00:37:39,650 When she goes out, the people shout, that's Christopher Lee. 462 00:37:55,440 --> 00:38:00,800 I dream of Jeannie with the bright pink hair. 463 00:38:01,420 --> 00:38:06,360 She's had it dyed to match her underwear. 464 00:38:07,260 --> 00:38:13,360 I dream of Mary with the big red 465 00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:18,620 nose. Wonder if she wears red flannel 466 00:38:18,620 --> 00:38:20,980 underclothes. 467 00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:29,780 I dream of purple ones, those pretty ones of heathers. Then I dream of Polly, 468 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:33,480 who covers hers with feathers. 469 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:41,300 I dream of Daisy May, who works at 470 00:38:41,300 --> 00:38:42,680 the Vickers. 471 00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:50,260 Daisy drives me crazy without 472 00:38:50,260 --> 00:38:52,040 any... 473 00:38:53,020 --> 00:38:54,020 trouble. 474 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,680 Oh, I'm in love with Abigail and the shape is most unusual. 475 00:39:04,060 --> 00:39:07,700 She's put the whole lot up for sale and I've got first refusal. 476 00:39:11,860 --> 00:39:16,960 Oh, my sister met a Yankee man at the Salvation Army one day. She put down a 477 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,580 tambourine and she went off to get some green for a bit of Yankee doodle in the 478 00:39:19,580 --> 00:39:20,700 hay. There they were. 479 00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:25,380 through the town, they should all be here and say, because my little sister 480 00:39:25,380 --> 00:39:27,900 will be carrying the banner, because she finds the seeds in everybody's way. 481 00:39:31,980 --> 00:39:34,920 Now, my little sister Polly, she is really very jolly. She went out and 482 00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:35,920 dog the other day. 483 00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:38,540 It's a poodle that is woolly, and she pulls it on a pulley, singing, Polly, 484 00:39:38,540 --> 00:39:39,540 woolly poodle all the day. 485 00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:42,260 People talking to the parlors, you see, Polly, woolly poodle, with a poodle 486 00:39:42,260 --> 00:39:45,040 chicken noodle on a tray, saying, Polly, dear, this poodle, please, you're a 487 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:46,940 pretty little poodle. She was popular with people right away. 488 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:50,740 Sad to say, came the day, Polly's reputation fell completely flat. 489 00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:53,640 When the partner and his daughter sang the parting of the waters, Polly's 490 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:54,640 did a puddle on the mat. 491 00:40:01,540 --> 00:40:06,960 Ronnie, how I envy, how I envy, dear little Ronnie. 492 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:12,560 I'd give the world to be just like John R .C. 493 00:40:12,860 --> 00:40:18,080 Six on four and five for three, but mammy's waiting for me, cooking for me, 494 00:40:18,180 --> 00:40:19,800 spuds and spaghetti. 495 00:40:20,700 --> 00:40:25,780 You'll find the jokes ain't funding no more when you're stuck in the pantry 496 00:40:25,780 --> 00:40:26,780 door. 497 00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:32,940 Ronnie, how I am me, how I am me, dear big fat Ronnie. 498 00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:35,900 If only, if only I had grown. 499 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,520 I'd be so full blown. 500 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,020 Eighteen stone of skin and born as fat. 501 00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:47,600 Let's keep the cozy warm and rosy. When nights are chilly, I'd be a great... 502 00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:06,160 The folks at home will be so glad to know we're working at the BBC. 503 00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:13,060 And we can tell a lousy from back on the telly. So once again. 504 00:42:08,089 --> 00:42:10,630 Well, that's all we have time for in this series. 505 00:42:11,170 --> 00:42:14,330 We'd like to thank all those people who we couldn't quite fit into the show, 506 00:42:14,510 --> 00:42:18,130 like the out -of -work contortionist in Redford who says he can no longer make 507 00:42:18,130 --> 00:42:19,130 ends meet. 508 00:42:20,630 --> 00:42:25,450 Yes, and we had hoped to interview a famous Scottish millionaire who keeps 509 00:42:25,450 --> 00:42:29,450 his money under his mattress, but this morning he was badly injured when he 510 00:42:29,450 --> 00:42:31,050 80 feet from his bed to the floor. 511 00:42:33,390 --> 00:42:36,970 And we haven't even got time to talk to the famous heiress who ran away with the 512 00:42:36,970 --> 00:42:39,650 milkman, was gone three months, and came back three months gone. 513 00:42:43,250 --> 00:42:49,150 But here's the late news. A man was charged at Bow Street today with 514 00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:51,430 behaviour in certain London streets. 515 00:42:51,630 --> 00:42:54,190 He went to Pudding Lane and made a pudding for himself. 516 00:42:54,450 --> 00:42:56,790 He went to Gooseberry Lane and made a fool of himself. 517 00:42:57,110 --> 00:42:59,630 Then he went to Exhibition Road and got himself arrested. 518 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:06,660 And in the divorce court today, a man claimed that his wife's mother kept on 519 00:43:06,660 --> 00:43:10,620 shouting at him that he was driving too fast along the M1. And to make matters 520 00:43:10,620 --> 00:43:13,800 worse, she swore at him while he was untying her from the roof rack. 521 00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,900 So it's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from him. Goodbye. Goodbye.